You.

So today i got my answer that i've been dying for, even if it's not the way i thought it was gonna be it's okay. I was just unclear on how you were feeling and stuff. Before i start lemme say that i appriciate that you won't walk out on me =] Love ya! Where to start...You started acting 'weird' ahah and i wasn't sure if you had feelings for me or not so i had this huge fuzzy cloud over my head of unanswered questions. Honestly, i have to say that i kinda liked. I thought you finally had come around to the 'good side' ahha if you catch my drift? And don't get my wrong it made me hella happy. So when you invited me to the Mall/Movies and that you'd pay it kinda made me think more, but now i know you're just being an Awesome friend...stracth that best friend =]I thought that my waiting had paid off and i was finally getting my chance, cause i stoodby watching you get hurt by all of these people i knew and i thought to myslef, "i'd never do that to you and i would Do everything in my power to make you smile." But i guess i was more of the friend type to you and that's okay. It just sucked at the time cause i see all these people getting their chance and i'm like "where's mine, is something wrong with me?" cause i know we kinda talked in the summer but then you moved on hella fast to someone better and new. So then today when we finally seen eachother your 'body language' was messing me up, real talk. I liked it though, from anyone else it would be normal but i was still unsure of my question. Then i left and seen you again and i got butterflies and i honestly don't know why so i took my friend into the plate store so i wouldn't have to pass you, but you came in there too =) And yeaah you know the rest haha 'reflects' And i thought to myself that i would just talk to you so that i can understand better.So the rest of the day all i thought about was you and what was going on. Until you called i thought you were into me, but your not. I don't have feelings for you, i just didn't want to waste my time building up feelings for you if you didn't feel that way, so that's why i had to know. Now that i do you can act however you want to act around me without me thinking stuff, cause then i'll know it's just you being you :) and that's all i can ask for. SHANAY i know your reading this

CrushCrushCrush

So it's been awhile so to start of i'm offically 18 years old :]
it feels the same so far so stop asking. I just hope everyone has a good holiday and safe one too. I spent Christmas eve at my Great grandma's house. it was pretty fun with the family. the food was hella good to. So through that and Christmas at my house i got a sweater, body spray, a nikon (d90) and 605 dollars (no i'm not rich) but i'm gonna buy a plane ticket to atlanta with the money so i'm using it for something good. Overall This year is good :] and to those who are having a shitty Day just smile and laugh, it goes a long way. THINK POSITIVE.

I have a crush but you have someone and it kills me. The thing about it is that you are so oblivious to the fact that i have feelings for you =/ sucks but what can i do..Nothing at all. so i have to do what i always do and move on.. pretend it never happened.

well not much to say so add more later..

Day Dreaming

Love is powerful word and we use it so loosely. I mean you shouldn't say it until you truely mean it. How are we sure if we're in love with someone? I guess it's when you don't care who see's you two together, someone who can be themselves around you and vice versa. When their mad your mad, when their sad you want to do everything in your power to cheer them up. When their in need your there with a helping hand. Love is like a little universe that involes the two special people. When their gone you feel as if your little universe has ben destroyed.
so how are we sure of love? I guess a roaring feeling overcomes your soul and you want to yell it from the top of your lungs
that's my vision of love<3

Bento.

Went to mervyn's with Kevin and christmas shopped. Good sales, so i got a couple of things for my mom amd auntie. After about an hour kevin and i went to Bento to visit Laurelle and she hooked us up with free food =) it was yummy. Then we just chilled all day pretty much at mcdonalds. Some guy was staring at me and we were laughing cause it that. Over all pretty good/chill day. Why can't everyday be this relaxing?

So i don't know why that person asked me to the dance? but i hope i didn't hurt their feelings by asking "why?" i just wanted to know though. So yeah i don't know emotions are whacked right about now!

This Morning.

So i to the Great Mall at 11:30 and i was standing around waiting for Kevin and Adel, then BAM Aaron comes running up we hugged and he said "Let's cut with jonathan" and was like uuh okay =) Aaron and i went in line with our friend Jonathan Pham! he's cool. We were just talking and acting stupid and talking shit, ahha. So then Kevin and Adel came it got kinda awkward for me , i don't know why? So then Jonathan like just doesn't come back and he stays with his friends and i think i know why... it's okay buddy =D But then it was just Aaron and i. They opened the doors a little early and even one was hella screaming and just bolted for the damn door so Aaron and i were right there! he was the desingnated pusher. From there we ran to H&M and were like in the front of the gate ahha Stevens gay ass! Aaron and i saw some pretty cute people too! So the workers were being hella dumb and stuff. They opened the gate and Aaron went to his secret place while i got shirts, jackets, and other stuff not caring what size it was haha. i had like 16 things in my hands. I felt selfish, but hey it's black friday right? Me and Arron got fed up with the store so we went in line and i picked through my stuff. We seen his Cousin? i'm not too sure and he waited with us. Then Jonathan calls and says "i lost my money" i felt =/ that sucks. then he came and chilled in line for a second ahha with his yelling =D PMS is a bitch aye? funny kiddo. So we were just bitchin' with his sister Micah? ahhh and talking about indians. so we got our shit after 1 hour in line!!!! i got two jackets and two shirts. Then i split from Aaron and went with adel and kevin. We went to eat at the food court and i was kinda tired already. aaron called me and he met me up at the food court we chilled and stuff. then aaron left and we went to anchor blue and waited in line for and hour also. i got a vest and a nice sweater!! So we were bored and had to wait for serenity to get off of work. So we just walked around and it was like 4 something eeerrggh! red eye's are not attractive! ahha i seen ian working heehhee. then i went back to H&M and bought a bag i love it dude! and i seen Jonathan and we hung out for awhile. then i got starbucks, a lemonade shaking ice tea haha...PASSION! it was so good. then me and my friends went to McDonalds and yeah it was like almost 6 so me and Jonathan walked back to the movies and he left on light rail and i got picked up! ahha so i would say today was a pretty long ass day. But it had it's ups and downs, mostly ups though!

Yeah seeing Jonathan Pham was nice didn't expect him to be there =D and seeing random dumbasses from school was BLAH!

Ryan Tedder-The Look

Thanksgiving Day

It's early! So i rarely tell my friends what they mean to me
okay so i'll put clues with every single one so you know who you are without me saying so.

so here i go =)

1.Dude i love you so much. We've through alot the past three years, but we got through it and now we are the best of friends. Hold it for 10 seconds LOL! i could talk to you about anything without feeling dumb or uncomfortable. i will never take you for granted, so don't feel like i don't love you.i've had so many good times with you and i don't want those to stop. you are truely my best friend.
CLUE:SF!

2.Even though we barely hangout out i still love you. I'm so glad i met you freshmen year. you always cheer me up when i'm sad.we shall chill soon? i'm so thankful that you are just my friend even though we believe in totally different things. you're a bright girl who deserves better in life. invite me over to eat again! haha
CLUE:Vanessa Anne Hudgens.

3.I'm glad you're still my friend even though you found that one thing out about me. i'm so happy you stood right next to me, not ashamed. it's cool talking to you about mine and your problems in the morning when it's totally freezing outside. How we walk away when the white guy comes to the library! good times you are one of my great friends. best flip friend though.
CLUE:PeanutButter and jelly cracker sandwiches.

4.I can talk to you about alot and i can actually trust you. you are a great friend and i'm glad to have met you. You may love my bitchiness but i love your personality. You are so pure and honest. you're a kind hearted individual. I admire you. so does Mr.king! haha
CLUE:Amy.

5. even though we fight i still consider you a good friend. we had stupid moments but it only makes us who we are now.I'm glad that we have opened up to each other i feel like i can trust you more and i hope you feel the same. cause really you are a cool dude ...sometimes.
CLUE:Kick his face in.

6.it's been a year since we met and i don't feel a thing. that makes me sad cause we had something great and i let that go. sorry babe =/ but i'm glad that your here for me and i'm here for you too. I'm so sorry for alla the pain i but you through this past year, i was stupid and immature. But i was hurt too alot. I just want us to put this behind us and have a new clean friendship. without us hurting one another. but i do still care about you and for you<3
CLUE:Giraffes are cute, aren't they?

7.i've known you since freshmen year and i barely knew you. i think this year we've become alot closer. i really do want you to be happy and such. i love you so much and you're an awesome friend that i can come to with my problems and vice versa. i know you're not as hard as everyone thinks. you're a little softy and that's okay! i'm glad i know you from every angle and that i can understand you more now without judging you. I smile everytime i see your face foreal!
CLUE:BOOTSEY.

8.i met you over summer but i feel like we had this bond or connection, but it got tangled in the middle and it took awhile for us to untangle that, but i'm happy you're back in my life and i love that we're grrrreat friends. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about your PMS ahha. so when i get my cars it's me and you like i said.even though you may hurt my feelings sometimes when you say certain things. but i am jealous at times and i'm learning to deal with it. best online friend =D PIGGY!
CLUE:Shower head.

9.i love you baby! i can't wait to see you again =)i'm sorry if i'd ever hurt you and shit. but i'm glad that i can talk to you whenever and that you love me and i love you.
CLUE:Boner.

all these people are so great and i'm glad i met every single last one of you <3
you guys are a form of a bestfriend in different ways. you have characteristic of a best friend. so even though i don't wear my heart on my sleeve doesn't mean i don't love you =D

Entitled to be sad.

Bad day!

"That's what you get when you let your heart win"
i'm listening to that right now! Today was the last day of school before we went on our break for Thanksgiving. I'm glad cause school is hella boring. So after school my friend Jonathan came and i talked to him for like 4 minutes ahha, then he went with daven to the mall and i went to the rotc potluck. Well i didn't really make it there cause i started talking to kreesha about things then i started crying and i was embarrassed so i went home and cried more in the car. 2 hours errgh! I haven't cried so hard since my breakup with shanay :( i felt so unwanted and that i was a waste of another persons time. I tried my hardest to act cool, calm and collected. But i could only take so much and i just left and gave a half ass hug and said my goodbyes. I bet you were happy, HUH? i didn't exactly know why i was feeling like this and kreesha told me something that i'll always remember...(it's a secret) but it really opened my eyes to new things? i just have to look deeper within myself to figure out my real emotions and my real hurts and why everything happens. I just know that i'm done trying to impress you boo! come to me when your ready.

Btw, your silent comment hurt my feelings
just to let you know!

This is not at all how much i'm feeling blog more later =)

Kiwi

I want your sweet kiwi
ahha that sounds kinda nasty =D

Okay, stop bothering me already. Can't you take a hint that i don't want to talk to you or anyone involed. I don't want to get hurt again! so just leave me alone please!

AWW.

Awww i hate crying it creates un wanted pimples =/ BLAH this day has been an emotional one. my best friend Laurelle called me and was just venting about how she had no "REAL" friends or anyone who wants to care for her. Her college life is not good as far as friends and i felt so helpless, i had nothing to say to her. That made me feel like a bad friend and that i wasn't there for her. We both were complaining about how we feel alone and have no friends that care about us, but the thing is we have each other and i love her so much. i may not tell her alla time but i do. i hope she does too! She has her boyfriend and me and her besties at school. I have her and my 3 friends at school, plus my online friends who i never see. So we just feel alone but were not in reality. But she doesn't go to my school and i really do feel alone. I hangout with losers at lunch and i have nothing to do with my life =/ ehh
so anyway, i'm just fed up with people and want to have a frsh start. But anyways i hope she feels better cause i didn't do a great job. Good deep convo<333


Laurelle and i were just talking about how people annoy us and how we should start calling people out on their bullshit. but i'm scared to alittle cause everytime i do that i look like the bad guy. But lately i'm sick and tired of people's crap! UGGGH!
and johnny is just dumb i'm tired of his hard exterior. he's a fucking pussy on the inside. He needs to be shot! haha or stapped to death haha jkeeding. Also people i'm surrounded by have no fun! i want to do something new and spontaneous. HELP ME? Also Laurelle wants to just meet people her own age who want to be around her is that too much to ask for? Nut i don't know life is so confusing. I guess me and laurelle were complainign about being alone , but really like i said earlier we both actually have eachother and we over look the fact that we do care for one another , even though we bitch moan and complain about eachother alllla time! hah. I just want to feel like people want to get to know me, cause i hate having to walk passed someone i know on myspace and they ignore, that's the definition of a fake BITCH!

I

HATE LIARS
HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY
CAUSE I'M NOT

=/

That's what you get

Oh yesterday i went to the mall with katie to see my good friend william, that was all bad. i felt so bad cause like i was torn. I couldn't hangout with either one of them like by myself without feeling bad =/ but i think it's better now. It was nice seeing william though.


So it's been awhile since i last blogged. Hmmm? let's see i'll start with school, it's great right now i'm doing better then i've ever done before so that's good. friends are grrrrate too. i met a new one DENNISON =D he's nice and helpful when i need someone. i wanna meet him too. I learn something new everyday about people liking other people and it's kinda funny cause you would have never thought that they would be into eachother like that. But as for me liking people i try not to these days cause it gets me nowhere and just hurt, on top of that the people at school act like they don't wanna be friends with me but like right now i really don't care at all. I'm just gonna not bother and try to get their attention! I'm sad but i don't know why? "??????"

I feel so empty inside. Nothing there to cheer me up or to love me. I've been getting really pissed off lately about the smallest things at school,home, love,friends. I try to be the nice guy too much and it get's me nowhere with anyone.
I just want someone to talk to when i have like my problems, cause i just hide them and they build up then i cry like a baby haha. i basically feel alone in the world.

I have sinned
ENVY
GREED
SLOTH

damn i suck =D

Who?

well i have things to say to people so here it goes haha might be long.

First:Your getting cuter by the day =]
Second:i love you babygirl
Third:i really hope you find the one you're looking for and that you end up with a happy ending , like in 27 dresses!
Fourth:stop ruining your relationships and people's feelings
Fifth:decided what you want stop playing games with these two people
Sixth:stop! everyone knows already and stop doing NASTY things
Seventh:stop staring at me!!!!
eighth:alright, do you want to be my friend or not geeez. don't ignore me or walk by me and just look the other way. stop being so confusing
Nineth:You're a bitch whiteboy! everyone talks behind your back and i think you should know that no one wants to see your pubic hair nasty ass!
Tenth:why are you mean to me, i'm just trying to be nice

idk, more to come

can't get out.

of this octagon of love and it sucks , like i want to be friends with them all but honestly most of them get on my nerves. i try so hard to be nicer and understanding but some people need to understand that they are being stupid and bootsey (aaron's word)people want what they can't have and what they can have they don't want! that is so true these days, well atleast in my situation. there is a prodigious problem with everyone in my octagon! i just want out faaaast, and also if people know you're hiding something then might as well fucking share it with the world mister. stop being so damn scared of society. but yeah i don't know it makes me sad when my close friends are feeling down like j.p he is so awesome and i'm his good friend (i would hope) aha and i would hella stick up for him and it sucks that he got shit on by him , it truely does. i just get so down and stuff. i just don't like seeing people sad thats all. it kinda made me mad too!!!!

Teacher in Service.

today started off hella slow and stuff i ate and took a shower, i even cut my hair haha. i waited for my mom to drive me to hang out with Piggy and their friends. so i got to wilcox and i was helllllla lost and stuff then i seen Piggy and thier friends J and K their really fun and NASTY but i like it, it's so entertaining =) so we chilled at their school and stuff and i was so so shy, i hope they didn't notice, but i think they did! haha cause i was kinda quiet. but the we decided to walk to the mongolian bbq place which was hella far but a nice walk. i gave Pigy the bracelet i hope Piggy liked it =) then we ate and mine was so spicy daaammmnn! then after that we went to an asian market and the guy J said the worker was hella hot so we went to his station haha then i used the bathroom. then it was so dark and cold brrrrr! aha we walked k and j back to K's house and me and Piggy went to wilcox and sat down on the bench and talked about life i guess. it was good =) i'm glad we hung out all four of us haha. butyeah CUTTTTAAAAAAAYY ;)

Oh Gosh

That's my new word noooow.Dude i don't know where to go from here i mean you're like my bff but i think you want more from me and i can't give that to you right now. i feel horrible, i mean i thought we were joking around when we were talking about relationship stuff, but i guess you took that seriously. i feel like a bitch. i just don't wanna hurt you at all <3. i feel like people in my little tight community don't even want to get to know me and stuff. i'm just fed up with trying to impress people so im not gonna do that anymore im just gonna be myself from now on! but to YOU i don't want to hurt you in the process of me being me. i love you says moo. but we should stay bff's

Today.

I went to the doctor's to get a physical like during first and second period. It was funny cause i was feeling out a survey and it asked me hella random question. she was like "are you sexually active" and i'm like no. so then i got two shot too, my arm kinda hurts too =/ gaaah. other than that stuff school life is a pain people are so fake it's like sickning. i just want people to be honest, like be who you are. i wanna go watch HSm3 tomorrow but no one to watch it with BOOOO!


=)

Haven't

Blogged in forever it feels like, but much has been going on since last time but i don't feel like blogging about my feelings.

well last week was Homecoming week and i was worried about the dance until i found out that these people weren't going anymore, so that made it tons better. But it would have still been cool to see them =) on friday we had the rally the carnival the telgate and the football game...GEEEZ boy was i tired. from 7 Am til the middle of the football game i was being bitch'd at by Ms.Harris, she really made me feel down about myself and that i did a bad job and stuff, guess she was right. We got our leadership track jackets i thought that they would be better looking but they are just fine with me. On saturday i woke up at 5:40 to get ready for the PSAT's haha i got to school at like 7 something i checked in and took the test christina-rose sat infront of me, haha nice talk we had. the test was pretty simple and a waste of time cause i was so so tired. then got ready for the dance and then went to the dance haha. it was kinda lame i think. teachers are so Blach about freaking, i mean it isn't that bad. They say they don't want to promote sex, but i mean you can fuck before you go to the dance and you can fuck after with or without freaking. But i found out something at the dance that made my stomach hurt and made me sad =/ i'm sorry for whoever that happened to. It also bugged me the whole night i don't know why though. Went to denny's hella people there from the dance haha. eating with laurelle jester and adel and this random white guy was fun =) didnt get home til 2 something.

Today monday!!! things went good haha i was still thinking about what he told me at the dance =/ but yeah school is really boring and that kid is like totally avoiding me now haha i confirmed it =)

DRAMA.

okay so where do i start.



blog more later

Not depressed.

Dude why am i so freakishly ugly? i can never catch a break. I always get turned away by people that i fall for.I mean am i not that good enough or something? i know i get so shy that i don't even talk to you but that's because when i like someone i think that i am smothering you and stuff by talking to you all the time, i guess i need some reassurance in my life.I really don't want to end up like my friend K.W she always ruins her relationships and what not. i'm just scared i'll end up like her and crap.basically what i'm trying to say is that whenever i like someone i get hurt and the end result is it makes me feel ugly inside and out, so that's why today i was asking poeple if they thought they were ugly or not? most of them said they didn't. I was thinking if these people had so much confidence how come i can't? i guess it comes within yourself haha heinz SELF confidence haha. I'ts just everyday i don't speak to you i fell like blah. I know that's hella selfish but that's what makes me happy haha gaaah.i enjoy walking you to class and what not even if we have nothing to say to each other....my bad! haha but i guess your always late so you have to rush there or you're just avoiding me haha. to add on to my lack of self confidence this one person was talking to my crush and my crush called them cute , IDK i was waaaaay jealous when i read that shit idk? i just was. it made me feel ten times worse then i was already feeling. i should have never told them that i liked them, it would make things so much easier, we would be good friends a nd crap but you're so damn cute...too bad i'm not!
P.S. and i know i barely know you.... but i wanna get to know you :]
Idk call me crazy foo' but i like you.


Words can't explain how i feel.

so my ex is being hella distant idk? she doesn't think it's hard for me not to talk to her and shit but it is. he never belives me when i say i miss her but i honestly do miss her <33 i wish she would belive sometimes.

...

Life is moving in slow motion =/
aha move faster bitch :]

i guess you can say i'm content and crap
haha school is blah
relationships blah
friendships :]]]

ahah bye!

Letting Go

Learning how to do that. I think i hold on to people too much i guess i have to wait until they come around, cause i don't wanna look like a fool Iming them or Texting them and them not talk cause i'd feel like a dumbass. So as much as it hurts i have to sit here and wait for them to contact me :]
i want to talk to you but i don't wanna go outta my way and look desperate cause i'm not i just want you back in my life and have all those deep convo's we had and be able to trust each other i guess your better at letting go than i am. so it actually hurts me more then it hurts you which is sad, cause i thought we had a solid friendship.

today, another day with getting my words twisted up and my being blah when i was with icecream. why can't i be myself? it's so weird but idk? i guess i'm nervous though.

So Fun

So today i had this community service at this polish festival with tim,jester,kevin and jason. so me and jestar got a ride together and went to school, we were waiting for tim so we watched the marching band haha said "hi" to toni and i seen ICECREAM! haha you know..so off we were to the chruch to help set up ,b oy did that take forever but it was so fun and educational haha i learned polish words and i met tim's chruch "peeps" but setting up the tents was hard work and i barely did it so they were bitchin' at me the whole time haha. the nuns made us polish sausage** and it was hella god :] we stayed there for 5 hours and it was kinda hot. On the way back home i had to sit in the trunk ahha eating my polish dog! haha so bumpy. We got back to school and me and jester wanted to go to the mall so we called up peter and we waited for him to come , so while we waited we watched the marching band. i really like that stuff i think it's hella cool :] and me and jester said "hi" to steven ahha funny kid. we went to peter's house and i slept a little haha then jester kept touching my ass and we were there for like 30 min. then we went to the bus stop and waited haha jester kept his ass out and showed people haha DUMBASS! we went to the mall and we went with peter and christian haha they brought their guitar's and we were singing in the mall haha so fun, this drunk lady came up to us and asked us hella questions and cussed at us , but she was nice and she had something about her idk? what it is though. She bought us Icce's from that place in front of zumiez. then we laughed and stuff went to the movies but couldn't go in cause of the guitars ahha so we got a refund and went to fresh choice haha then we seen the lady again and walked her back to D&B. fresh choice is hella good :] haha we got a free meal!!!! so yeah today was long but hella fun oh and Hi aj, kathleen,jerel patrick,ralph haha people i seen at the mall :]]]

091908

So much happened today where do i start well... first period was boring and then second was a bitch "i hate basketball" even though i'm black aha. third period was funny as usual, fourth was boring hate math! fifth was so funny :] then sixth was a downer ahha. After school i had a short ROTC meeting and then went to frozo's with kayze and kevin , then went to mcdonald's. So much fun i was dancing in the parking lot and embarrassing evryone haha good times. But i dropped jessie's soda and it spilled on kevin and he got mad at me,sorry bud. Me and kevin then walked back to school for the football game and i had a talk with a friend :] so so good. the game was kinda fun haha all i did was eat like normal! FATASS, after the game it was so cold and i had no jacket blah...freezing my balls off yo' then i came homa and went online and i was kinda like sad and stuff i think that always happens when i go online, idk? just knowing that people are better than you kinda sucks =/ but all i can do is be happy for them ya know and just now we know the same people haha wow! all good :] then talked to this person let's call them .....icecream! so i IM'd icecream and we talked for a while and stuff so that was good i guess then old friend IM'd me and that was very informative but short, nice to hear from you old friend.

Random 2

This certain someone said "hi" to me today made my day 10x better :]
so looking forward to tomorrow hopefully it turns out alright
and things don't get so whacked outta order.

But yeah if you're not gonna talk to somebody anymore at least have the decency
to them that you no longer want to be friends, it just hurts not from a love interest stand point but from a close friend stand point. It just feels that everything that we talked about was fake. Now we don't talk as least tell me you don't wanna be my friend.

Always be my Baby.

"We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry noooh
And I won't beg you to staaaay
If you're determined to leave booy
I will not stand in your waaaay
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no."


How can this song be so BLUNT? i love how this song is so confident
they know the love they had was strong and they know nothing will come between them even if they're not together anymore. Being so sure of yourself feels so good and i wish for an ounce of what this song portrays. This person is so mature and knows what they want in lifeand thats an everlasting love that will never die.

Why

do i always get the short end of the stick, like everytime i'm interested in someone, another person has to come in right at that moment where my feelings increase and take them. i know they're not mine and all but i mean it happened every single time. i'm kinda getting tired of this shit happening and stuff. i guess i have to fight for what i want like people say. i just don't want to over step my boundries and stuff and ruin something that the other two people have. i fell so "ugh" with my self and stuff. i am not so strong as i would hope for at the moment. i think my happy facade makes everything better to the other people involed in this triangle thingy? idk? but i just wish that one time i can get what everyone else has and not get that taken from me, cause it's a bitch.i just really don't know what to say anymore but best wishes to myself

so it's been really wierd lately since we're back at school and seeing K.N it's kinda awkward for me cause to me i think we had an awesome friendship 'sorta' and it just was thrown away like that. i know it was my fault but it still does suck to know that i cause people pain and i had to deal with that for 4 months and it took a toll on me emotionally and yeah... a part of me wants our friendship back another part doesn't, but more of me does.i mean K.N did say hi twice this year and i was kinda cought off guard so i just went with it and i thought things were going back to normal but they're not aha. i told myself i'd forget about all that stuff and i kinda did but it's hard to forget a major thing that happened in your life. so i guess all i can do is go to school and get C's ahah. what happens happens so i'm okay with that :]

Blah.

So today has been a BLAH day! i think at this point i'm kinda jealous, but i don't understand why because i'm totally getting over all this and stuff and yeah... i guess it just always happens with this certain person who goes to my school.
people are always so quick to start talking and stuff it's hella dumb at leaset wait awhile ya know? if not then whatever aha. I feel hella crappy though right about now not happy at all =/
School wasn't any better boring ass day and me dealing with shit i don't wanna deal with over and over again. BUT yeah sorry but already going to the movies come on yo' i just think people need to figure out what they want :]

Random Time

Yeah hecka late blogging, aha. So today i walked this certain person to class and it's always so awkward, like we have nothing to talk about and it makes me feel so dumb and i act hella weird in front of this person and yeah...Just gives me butterflies :] don't wanna put myself out there to get hurt AGAIN, cause that always seems to happen these days. so i hope tomorrow will be better!

My good friend like stopped talking to me and i don't know why it's kinda weird and whatever cause i mean they just don't wanna hurt me that's what they kept saying, but you see they're really not hurting me at all. Not talking to me at all is hurting more then anything else you could ever do. I wish none of my bullshit would have happened so we could still be close haha oprah and lil'kim or penguin and piggy :] I just always regret the things i say after i say them and wish with all my heart i can take them back.But i guess that's life ya know you just get stronger and shit, but you always have that feeling of " damn i wanna be there friend and your missing out on what they're doing in their life" IDK? it's hard to explain like you wanna be there but you can't. All i can do is keep breathing :]

[EDIT]Ughh i really don't know i can't really regulste peoples life's for them but i mean when people have the same friends aas me and flirt with them it makes me sad kinda like im not good enough and stuff. Knowing peoples history isn't good at all either. i'm just so UGH! i can't really focus and crap it just bugs me but i don't know why? i guess it's a problem i have. i just can't handle the fact that people that i care about don't want to talk to me anymore and yeah! it's hard but i have to live with it once again. IDK i guess people always go through me to find other friends then we end up having a mutual frind and it gets all bad =/
blah but imma try to stay positive cause that's all i can do :]

Posing.

so yeah don't blog that much so here i go ahhhh! i am so not trying to shove anything down people's throats either.



people now a days try to lose who they are to become apart of the "in" crowd, well in that changing process they lose sight of the person they once were. I've learned last october to be myself and not to care what people say think or do and i can honestly say i've kept up with that. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are it doesn't matter if your the least popular kid at school or the smartest nerd or that emo kid, or that gay kid, it doesn't matter imbrace yourself for who and what you are.i really don't know where i'm going with this so bare with me :] it may seem like being myself was horrible and it was like against the law or something and i would always try to act hella cool and shit,but now i know i don't need that. if you don't like me then too bad =/. lately i've been like blah about me being me, i just wanted to switch bodies with someone else and have a better life, but everyone has there ups and downs. Me being me got me in this situation..a good one.

a few days ago my close friend tells me that he looks up to me and admires me for not caring what people think and how i can stay hapy even when bad things are going on. i was quite shocked, cause i mean who gets that in life? i guess what you do in your life can affect people who are involed in your life,aha. idk, but having someone that looks up to you for being yourself feels so good. It's like the greatest gift someone could have given me, i kinda cried. it made me feel tons better about the person i'm becoming and what imma do in the future. i guess what im trying to say is that being yourself pays off in the long run. it may seem like crap and shit ,but be patient and something amazing will happen just think positive, even if your having the most shit-tastic day ever, there will always be a good side to it and if you tell yourself there won't be, then guess what there most likely won't be. just stop the bullshit and live your life for you and no body else, life is too short to hold grudges and be mad, just be yourself and let life flow...

so yeah being myself got me alot, losing a bestfriend,heartbreak,losing friends, getiing in trouble with my parents,second guessing myself,not being good enough, great friends, more but most of all..RESPECT.

haha yeah im done ranting bye :]

Ouch

Dang i got my braces tighten. damn dude it hella hurt =/
i waana sleep it off for like a month! Oh and i went to this asian market in san jose and i got these waffer thing VANILLA, yuum so good. aha it was weird cause they would look at me and be like "a black guy in here" anyway so my friend
is in love with this guy who is gay and she doesn't realize
that she will never get with him. it's so sad because she is putting herself
out there to get hurt and shit. She just can't seem to let him go as a love interest. i really pray for her all the time that she will get the courage to
let him and his bull shit go! i LOVE you K.W But more recently she's been changing how she acts and who she is on the inside and i don't understand why? i mean she cusses more and she is hella sexual but that's not her , i want her to be the same old K.W who doesn't care what people think and who is a respectable young lady.
i guess we have to live with it.

Well on a lighter note having a crush is kinda fun like you get butterflies
and all that good stuff. Idk i think i have on i don't wanna crush things like i always do aha. I guess we'll see what happens, but i'm not hoping for anything if that makes sense? aha i hate being like lead on and stuff that sucks!

Back.

Finally made another one :]
well more writing to come soon!

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