Learning how to do that. I think i hold on to people too much i guess i have to wait until they come around, cause i don't wanna look like a fool Iming them or Texting them and them not talk cause i'd feel like a dumbass. So as much as it hurts i have to sit here and wait for them to contact me :]
i want to talk to you but i don't wanna go outta my way and look desperate cause i'm not i just want you back in my life and have all those deep convo's we had and be able to trust each other i guess your better at letting go than i am. so it actually hurts me more then it hurts you which is sad, cause i thought we had a solid friendship.
today, another day with getting my words twisted up and my being blah when i was with icecream. why can't i be myself? it's so weird but idk? i guess i'm nervous though.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
So Fun
So today i had this community service at this polish festival with tim,jester,kevin and jason. so me and jestar got a ride together and went to school, we were waiting for tim so we watched the marching band haha said "hi" to toni and i seen ICECREAM! haha you know..so off we were to the chruch to help set up ,b oy did that take forever but it was so fun and educational haha i learned polish words and i met tim's chruch "peeps" but setting up the tents was hard work and i barely did it so they were bitchin' at me the whole time haha. the nuns made us polish sausage** and it was hella god :] we stayed there for 5 hours and it was kinda hot. On the way back home i had to sit in the trunk ahha eating my polish dog! haha so bumpy. We got back to school and me and jester wanted to go to the mall so we called up peter and we waited for him to come , so while we waited we watched the marching band. i really like that stuff i think it's hella cool :] and me and jester said "hi" to steven ahha funny kid. we went to peter's house and i slept a little haha then jester kept touching my ass and we were there for like 30 min. then we went to the bus stop and waited haha jester kept his ass out and showed people haha DUMBASS! we went to the mall and we went with peter and christian haha they brought their guitar's and we were singing in the mall haha so fun, this drunk lady came up to us and asked us hella questions and cussed at us , but she was nice and she had something about her idk? what it is though. She bought us Icce's from that place in front of zumiez. then we laughed and stuff went to the movies but couldn't go in cause of the guitars ahha so we got a refund and went to fresh choice haha then we seen the lady again and walked her back to D&B. fresh choice is hella good :] haha we got a free meal!!!! so yeah today was long but hella fun oh and Hi aj, kathleen,jerel patrick,ralph haha people i seen at the mall :]]]
091908
So much happened today where do i start well... first period was boring and then second was a bitch "i hate basketball" even though i'm black aha. third period was funny as usual, fourth was boring hate math! fifth was so funny :] then sixth was a downer ahha. After school i had a short ROTC meeting and then went to frozo's with kayze and kevin , then went to mcdonald's. So much fun i was dancing in the parking lot and embarrassing evryone haha good times. But i dropped jessie's soda and it spilled on kevin and he got mad at me,sorry bud. Me and kevin then walked back to school for the football game and i had a talk with a friend :] so so good. the game was kinda fun haha all i did was eat like normal! FATASS, after the game it was so cold and i had no jacket blah...freezing my balls off yo' then i came homa and went online and i was kinda like sad and stuff i think that always happens when i go online, idk? just knowing that people are better than you kinda sucks =/ but all i can do is be happy for them ya know and just now we know the same people haha wow! all good :] then talked to this person let's call them .....icecream! so i IM'd icecream and we talked for a while and stuff so that was good i guess then old friend IM'd me and that was very informative but short, nice to hear from you old friend.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Random 2
This certain someone said "hi" to me today made my day 10x better :]
so looking forward to tomorrow hopefully it turns out alright
and things don't get so whacked outta order.
But yeah if you're not gonna talk to somebody anymore at least have the decency
to them that you no longer want to be friends, it just hurts not from a love interest stand point but from a close friend stand point. It just feels that everything that we talked about was fake. Now we don't talk as least tell me you don't wanna be my friend.
so looking forward to tomorrow hopefully it turns out alright
and things don't get so whacked outta order.
But yeah if you're not gonna talk to somebody anymore at least have the decency
to them that you no longer want to be friends, it just hurts not from a love interest stand point but from a close friend stand point. It just feels that everything that we talked about was fake. Now we don't talk as least tell me you don't wanna be my friend.
Always be my Baby.
"We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
I ain't gonna cry noooh
And I won't beg you to staaaay
If you're determined to leave booy
I will not stand in your waaaay
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no."
How can this song be so BLUNT? i love how this song is so confident
they know the love they had was strong and they know nothing will come between them even if they're not together anymore. Being so sure of yourself feels so good and i wish for an ounce of what this song portrays. This person is so mature and knows what they want in lifeand thats an everlasting love that will never die.
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free
So I'm letting you fly
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die
You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
I ain't gonna cry noooh
And I won't beg you to staaaay
If you're determined to leave booy
I will not stand in your waaaay
But inevitably you'll be back again
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no."
How can this song be so BLUNT? i love how this song is so confident
they know the love they had was strong and they know nothing will come between them even if they're not together anymore. Being so sure of yourself feels so good and i wish for an ounce of what this song portrays. This person is so mature and knows what they want in lifeand thats an everlasting love that will never die.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Why
do i always get the short end of the stick, like everytime i'm interested in someone, another person has to come in right at that moment where my feelings increase and take them. i know they're not mine and all but i mean it happened every single time. i'm kinda getting tired of this shit happening and stuff. i guess i have to fight for what i want like people say. i just don't want to over step my boundries and stuff and ruin something that the other two people have. i fell so "ugh" with my self and stuff. i am not so strong as i would hope for at the moment. i think my happy facade makes everything better to the other people involed in this triangle thingy? idk? but i just wish that one time i can get what everyone else has and not get that taken from me, cause it's a bitch.i just really don't know what to say anymore but best wishes to myself
so it's been really wierd lately since we're back at school and seeing K.N it's kinda awkward for me cause to me i think we had an awesome friendship 'sorta' and it just was thrown away like that. i know it was my fault but it still does suck to know that i cause people pain and i had to deal with that for 4 months and it took a toll on me emotionally and yeah... a part of me wants our friendship back another part doesn't, but more of me does.i mean K.N did say hi twice this year and i was kinda cought off guard so i just went with it and i thought things were going back to normal but they're not aha. i told myself i'd forget about all that stuff and i kinda did but it's hard to forget a major thing that happened in your life. so i guess all i can do is go to school and get C's ahah. what happens happens so i'm okay with that :]
so it's been really wierd lately since we're back at school and seeing K.N it's kinda awkward for me cause to me i think we had an awesome friendship 'sorta' and it just was thrown away like that. i know it was my fault but it still does suck to know that i cause people pain and i had to deal with that for 4 months and it took a toll on me emotionally and yeah... a part of me wants our friendship back another part doesn't, but more of me does.i mean K.N did say hi twice this year and i was kinda cought off guard so i just went with it and i thought things were going back to normal but they're not aha. i told myself i'd forget about all that stuff and i kinda did but it's hard to forget a major thing that happened in your life. so i guess all i can do is go to school and get C's ahah. what happens happens so i'm okay with that :]
Blah.
So today has been a BLAH day! i think at this point i'm kinda jealous, but i don't understand why because i'm totally getting over all this and stuff and yeah... i guess it just always happens with this certain person who goes to my school.
people are always so quick to start talking and stuff it's hella dumb at leaset wait awhile ya know? if not then whatever aha. I feel hella crappy though right about now not happy at all =/
School wasn't any better boring ass day and me dealing with shit i don't wanna deal with over and over again. BUT yeah sorry but already going to the movies come on yo' i just think people need to figure out what they want :]
people are always so quick to start talking and stuff it's hella dumb at leaset wait awhile ya know? if not then whatever aha. I feel hella crappy though right about now not happy at all =/
School wasn't any better boring ass day and me dealing with shit i don't wanna deal with over and over again. BUT yeah sorry but already going to the movies come on yo' i just think people need to figure out what they want :]
Monday, September 15, 2008
Random Time
Yeah hecka late blogging, aha. So today i walked this certain person to class and it's always so awkward, like we have nothing to talk about and it makes me feel so dumb and i act hella weird in front of this person and yeah...Just gives me butterflies :] don't wanna put myself out there to get hurt AGAIN, cause that always seems to happen these days. so i hope tomorrow will be better!
My good friend like stopped talking to me and i don't know why it's kinda weird and whatever cause i mean they just don't wanna hurt me that's what they kept saying, but you see they're really not hurting me at all. Not talking to me at all is hurting more then anything else you could ever do. I wish none of my bullshit would have happened so we could still be close haha oprah and lil'kim or penguin and piggy :] I just always regret the things i say after i say them and wish with all my heart i can take them back.But i guess that's life ya know you just get stronger and shit, but you always have that feeling of " damn i wanna be there friend and your missing out on what they're doing in their life" IDK? it's hard to explain like you wanna be there but you can't. All i can do is keep breathing :]
[EDIT]Ughh i really don't know i can't really regulste peoples life's for them but i mean when people have the same friends aas me and flirt with them it makes me sad kinda like im not good enough and stuff. Knowing peoples history isn't good at all either. i'm just so UGH! i can't really focus and crap it just bugs me but i don't know why? i guess it's a problem i have. i just can't handle the fact that people that i care about don't want to talk to me anymore and yeah! it's hard but i have to live with it once again. IDK i guess people always go through me to find other friends then we end up having a mutual frind and it gets all bad =/
blah but imma try to stay positive cause that's all i can do :]
My good friend like stopped talking to me and i don't know why it's kinda weird and whatever cause i mean they just don't wanna hurt me that's what they kept saying, but you see they're really not hurting me at all. Not talking to me at all is hurting more then anything else you could ever do. I wish none of my bullshit would have happened so we could still be close haha oprah and lil'kim or penguin and piggy :] I just always regret the things i say after i say them and wish with all my heart i can take them back.But i guess that's life ya know you just get stronger and shit, but you always have that feeling of " damn i wanna be there friend and your missing out on what they're doing in their life" IDK? it's hard to explain like you wanna be there but you can't. All i can do is keep breathing :]
[EDIT]Ughh i really don't know i can't really regulste peoples life's for them but i mean when people have the same friends aas me and flirt with them it makes me sad kinda like im not good enough and stuff. Knowing peoples history isn't good at all either. i'm just so UGH! i can't really focus and crap it just bugs me but i don't know why? i guess it's a problem i have. i just can't handle the fact that people that i care about don't want to talk to me anymore and yeah! it's hard but i have to live with it once again. IDK i guess people always go through me to find other friends then we end up having a mutual frind and it gets all bad =/
blah but imma try to stay positive cause that's all i can do :]
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Posing.
so yeah don't blog that much so here i go ahhhh! i am so not trying to shove anything down people's throats either.
people now a days try to lose who they are to become apart of the "in" crowd, well in that changing process they lose sight of the person they once were. I've learned last october to be myself and not to care what people say think or do and i can honestly say i've kept up with that. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are it doesn't matter if your the least popular kid at school or the smartest nerd or that emo kid, or that gay kid, it doesn't matter imbrace yourself for who and what you are.i really don't know where i'm going with this so bare with me :] it may seem like being myself was horrible and it was like against the law or something and i would always try to act hella cool and shit,but now i know i don't need that. if you don't like me then too bad =/. lately i've been like blah about me being me, i just wanted to switch bodies with someone else and have a better life, but everyone has there ups and downs. Me being me got me in this situation..a good one.
a few days ago my close friend tells me that he looks up to me and admires me for not caring what people think and how i can stay hapy even when bad things are going on. i was quite shocked, cause i mean who gets that in life? i guess what you do in your life can affect people who are involed in your life,aha. idk, but having someone that looks up to you for being yourself feels so good. It's like the greatest gift someone could have given me, i kinda cried. it made me feel tons better about the person i'm becoming and what imma do in the future. i guess what im trying to say is that being yourself pays off in the long run. it may seem like crap and shit ,but be patient and something amazing will happen just think positive, even if your having the most shit-tastic day ever, there will always be a good side to it and if you tell yourself there won't be, then guess what there most likely won't be. just stop the bullshit and live your life for you and no body else, life is too short to hold grudges and be mad, just be yourself and let life flow...
so yeah being myself got me alot, losing a bestfriend,heartbreak,losing friends, getiing in trouble with my parents,second guessing myself,not being good enough, great friends, more but most of all..RESPECT.
haha yeah im done ranting bye :]
people now a days try to lose who they are to become apart of the "in" crowd, well in that changing process they lose sight of the person they once were. I've learned last october to be myself and not to care what people say think or do and i can honestly say i've kept up with that. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are it doesn't matter if your the least popular kid at school or the smartest nerd or that emo kid, or that gay kid, it doesn't matter imbrace yourself for who and what you are.i really don't know where i'm going with this so bare with me :] it may seem like being myself was horrible and it was like against the law or something and i would always try to act hella cool and shit,but now i know i don't need that. if you don't like me then too bad =/. lately i've been like blah about me being me, i just wanted to switch bodies with someone else and have a better life, but everyone has there ups and downs. Me being me got me in this situation..a good one.
a few days ago my close friend tells me that he looks up to me and admires me for not caring what people think and how i can stay hapy even when bad things are going on. i was quite shocked, cause i mean who gets that in life? i guess what you do in your life can affect people who are involed in your life,aha. idk, but having someone that looks up to you for being yourself feels so good. It's like the greatest gift someone could have given me, i kinda cried. it made me feel tons better about the person i'm becoming and what imma do in the future. i guess what im trying to say is that being yourself pays off in the long run. it may seem like crap and shit ,but be patient and something amazing will happen just think positive, even if your having the most shit-tastic day ever, there will always be a good side to it and if you tell yourself there won't be, then guess what there most likely won't be. just stop the bullshit and live your life for you and no body else, life is too short to hold grudges and be mad, just be yourself and let life flow...
so yeah being myself got me alot, losing a bestfriend,heartbreak,losing friends, getiing in trouble with my parents,second guessing myself,not being good enough, great friends, more but most of all..RESPECT.
haha yeah im done ranting bye :]
Ouch
Dang i got my braces tighten. damn dude it hella hurt =/
i waana sleep it off for like a month! Oh and i went to this asian market in san jose and i got these waffer thing VANILLA, yuum so good. aha it was weird cause they would look at me and be like "a black guy in here" anyway so my friend
is in love with this guy who is gay and she doesn't realize
that she will never get with him. it's so sad because she is putting herself
out there to get hurt and shit. She just can't seem to let him go as a love interest. i really pray for her all the time that she will get the courage to
let him and his bull shit go! i LOVE you K.W But more recently she's been changing how she acts and who she is on the inside and i don't understand why? i mean she cusses more and she is hella sexual but that's not her , i want her to be the same old K.W who doesn't care what people think and who is a respectable young lady.
i guess we have to live with it.
Well on a lighter note having a crush is kinda fun like you get butterflies
and all that good stuff. Idk i think i have on i don't wanna crush things like i always do aha. I guess we'll see what happens, but i'm not hoping for anything if that makes sense? aha i hate being like lead on and stuff that sucks!
i waana sleep it off for like a month! Oh and i went to this asian market in san jose and i got these waffer thing VANILLA, yuum so good. aha it was weird cause they would look at me and be like "a black guy in here" anyway so my friend
is in love with this guy who is gay and she doesn't realize
that she will never get with him. it's so sad because she is putting herself
out there to get hurt and shit. She just can't seem to let him go as a love interest. i really pray for her all the time that she will get the courage to
let him and his bull shit go! i LOVE you K.W But more recently she's been changing how she acts and who she is on the inside and i don't understand why? i mean she cusses more and she is hella sexual but that's not her , i want her to be the same old K.W who doesn't care what people think and who is a respectable young lady.
i guess we have to live with it.
Well on a lighter note having a crush is kinda fun like you get butterflies
and all that good stuff. Idk i think i have on i don't wanna crush things like i always do aha. I guess we'll see what happens, but i'm not hoping for anything if that makes sense? aha i hate being like lead on and stuff that sucks!
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